9/14/26 Monday 2:30 am
I see an unimpressive line of showers on the radar setting up to our west; hoping this isn’t a repeat of last Monday.
I woke up a couple of hours ago to the spousal caregiver’s nightmare, realizing Sus was not in bed. For the last couple of months, I have made a routine of locking all the doors to the outside, just in case. She no longer has the dexterity to unlock them. I think it was about 18 months ago; I used to still be able to leave her for an hour to run down to the store. Now, I worry when I leave her alone anytime I go to the bathroom.
I found her sitting on the living room floor, wide awake, with both cats in front of her staring at her. Unresponsive at first to anything I said to her. Then she said nearly fluently, “I’m thirsty.” Got her to the couch and helped her drink a glass of water. She really did not know what was going on, or that anything was particularly unusual about what was happening.
Typically, she can’t walk at all without my assistance, so I am not sure how she got there. I also have to lift her in and out of bed these days.
So I got her to bed and gave her the pill she usually takes before bed (seroquel generic). Tried lying down until I knew she was asleep. Tears rolling down my face as I questioned every decision I have ever made in my life, wondering what in the hell I did wrong for this to happen to her and to our life.
I can’t explain why I feel responsible; I just do. Then I feel guilty because I know people go through worse, and then remind myself I have to be strong because the worst is yet to come.
So as I sit here, I have no idea if she is going to wake up better or worse. I know it’s going to throw off our schedule; it may lead to a new schedule. It’s going to throw me off my weather schedule for at least a day. I will post when I can.
Sorry to unload.
🫂hugs Jeff and Susan 🙏❤️
Jeff you’re doing a really good job with such a difficult situation.
Jeff you are literally going through a kind of hell. When I read what you wrote today I hurt for you. I just hope you know our Lord Jesus, He knows everything you’re going through. I know we can’t see Him but I’ve gone through a bit of hell of my own this last few years and even now with so much going wrong in my own body, I have to keep my eyes on Him or I’ll just give up. I have no one to run to or cling to, but I have Him. Jeff in your heart she’s your counterpart, partner and the love of your life. All I can suggest is just love her, but perhaps the day is coming when she’ll be taken home. If you’ve never prayed to our Maker consider doing so. He already knows what you’re going through and even if it’s hard to do, to be able to say anything, He already knows your heart. Cry out to Him Jeff, if nothing else know He hears you. Our world is a fallen world filled with pain, chaos, uncertainty…God bless you Jeff, I know what it’s like to have a hurting heart.